I have been thinking about ending my project. When I first started Claim Your Beauty it was supposed to last for a year. It has been a year and 7 months. I have written honestly about my life present and past to give others and myself insight into who I am. After a million hits I realized that I can’t please everyone. I have developed a thick skin while learning to brush off the inappropriate and/or offensive comments from people. The need to justify the purpose behind my photos has faded. Before all nudity there is art and honesty in my photos. I can’t force people to see that. My friends and family read some of these ridiculous comments and they either laugh or shake their heads. I am not a hyper sexualized individual. That part of me is very private. Some people are simple they think that nudity can only equal sexuality when clearly it does not. I understand it is not my responsibility to point out their idiocy. This is what delete is for. All joking aside… More and more I have begun to worry about putting myself in harm’s way… After all my caution I am recovering from an experiential harm.
I saw E after we broke up which was a big mistake. I need to keep it light so I will explain how I feel metaphorically. Let’s say you see this amazing movie. It’s beautifully written, the cinematography is breathtaking and you fall madly in love with the characters. You are emotionally invested in the outcome, but there is a terrible scene in the movie or it ends badly. You’re left with this empty feeling and suddenly all of those wonderful things no longer exist. You forget the writing, the cinematography all of the joy you felt while watching the film. You can only fixate on the emptiness. Every time someone mentions that film you feel that emptiness again and even though you enjoyed 90 percent of the film you wish you had never seen it at all.
This is my relationship with E. The majority of the relationship was amazing but it ended so badly I wish I had never met him. All I can really say is that there is a grey area that rests between arousal and refusal. You learn a lot about a man when he is angry with you, when he doesn’t get his way, when you refuse him. As I have said in previous entries I have a tendency to over share when I am hurt and E really hurt me. And like a horrible film I never want to see him again.
I must work through this myself. I have to process what I have experienced then find the language to articulate what has happened. This is always very difficult for me. It is next to impossible for me to vilify any person that I love and I hate feeling like a victim. ’To perceive is to suffer’ (Aristotle) You know me, I’m stubborn. I would rather scorch my eyes staring into the sun than turn around and face the darkness that is resting on my back. Slowly I have begun to face my darkness and I will move through it because I always do.
This has been a really bad year and I have got through it because of this blog, because of you. I have learned so much here. I retreat when I am wounded and I am welcomed back unconditionally when I return. I will post a few more entries. Over that time I will decide if I will continue.
Love and Gratitude,