Some of you have been asking about my mystery man. I haven’t shared much with anyone but I will give a brief description of him and how he fits into my life. As I said in my previous post this is a relationship with limits, which seems to be the right thing for me at this point in time. He’s quite reserved I will respect his privacy. He has an unusual name so I will refer to him by his first initial, E.
E sent me an email on OkCupid. Initially I wasn’t keen on meeting him because there is quite an age difference. It would be an exaggeration to describe this as a May-December relationship. I laugh at myself because I rationalize that this is a May-September relationship. Sounds much better, right? He is very young, 25 to be exact… I know, I know. I’m not even going to try to justify it. Of course E is a good-looking guy, tall dark and handsome. Flawless complexion, soft eyes, perceptive and sensitive. I love the way he looks at me. We are compatible romantically and have similar sentiments about sex. This makes me comfortable, I feel amorous and free when I’m with him.
There have been a few growing pains getting to know one another. I was so compromised emotionally when we first met. I have to say that E has handled my displaced needy-ness very well. This is where I can see that he is a man. He identified that I was in pain immediately and responded compassionately. We had one of those awkward conversations that take place in the beginning of a relationship. It didn’t go well because we are both so stubborn. I have an aversion to romantic compromise and he is inflexible when he feels he’s being pressured. I can’t fault him for this. I don’t communicate well when I’m frustrated. I like that he is his own man. It infuriated me that he said no to me (men don’t say no to me) but because of this I trust him. I know that E won’t lie to me.
Everyday, I look forward to visiting with him on Skype. I enjoy his sharp sense of humor. He says these snarky things about my age. I look at his baby face while I’m laughing and I can feel the wrinkles around my eyes scrunched with happiness. There is nothing like youth, it’s irreplaceable and unsustainable. Once in a while we are invited to enjoy the youth of another. What a tremendous gift, I get to adore and be adored like I did when I was 18. Filled with delicious anticipation I find myself singing 80s love inspired music. It feels incredible. I will enjoy it while it lasts.
I’m a realist. I know that eventually I will hurt him and he will hurt me. This is the very nature of an intimate relationship no matter how uncomplicated it may be. With pleasure and tenderness comes great responsibility. Because of this I am guarded. I value that perfect part of me and I share it with very few people. E respects this wholeheartedly. He understands that I am skittish when we are intimate. He’s a warm and intuitive lover, he persuades me gently until I can go no further and for now he lets me be. As I am being enchanted into the sensual deep-end, my heart reminds me that I’m a decent swimmer but I’m still apprehensive… so he waits.
I was curious about E’s unusual name. I surfed around the Internet and found several meanings. Most are faith-based interpretations pertaining to leadership. The most profound description of E’s name is “To do beautiful things” This moved me because E is restoring my faith in love while leading me tenderly back into self-belief. A failed relationship robbed me of my confidence. Our sexual health is intrinsic to who we are therefore it must be cared for and maintained. When I first met E I was crushed with heartbreak and now he’s helping me revitalize my sexual nature. This is a beautiful thing.
As strange as this sounds, I am comforted by the limits of our relationship. Some of you will recognize that this is out of character for me. I’m fairly old-fashioned I never thought that I would enthusiastically participate in a relationship that has no future. I guess there is an exception to every rule. E came out of nowhere. Our amorous connection happened organically. In the beginning I struggled to label and define boundaries but ultimately I realized that reason has no place in romance.
Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly and without law, and must be plucked where it is found, and enjoyed for the brief hour of its duration. ~ D.H. Lawrence
About the photos… I wanted to share with you a few of my favorite things. I live in a jean jacket and my Frye boots. They are my 2 fashion staples. I have worn different variations for the last 20 years. I also wear my father’s wedding band and a bracelet that says ‘wise woman’ for comfort. I feel protected by these 2 items.
I’m embracing my wrinkles and pudgy-ness. I’m aging and my shape is changing rapidly. I have chosen not to edit the wrinkles around my eyes and I didn’t worry about photographing myself in an “unflattering” pose. I always thought that if I dated a younger man I would be constantly trying to conceal my physical age but it’s completely the opposite. I enjoy the visible differences, they are life affirming. I have begun to value the maturation that takes place with natural age and it inspires me to thrive.